


Everything I Have Found Dear I've Not Found By Myself

by jungle_ride



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27576050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jungle_ride/pseuds/jungle_ride
Summary: An Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence fic.The first time she wakes screaming, arms flapping as she fights off the ghost of an assailant long since dead, Dina doesn't ask any questions.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	Everything I Have Found Dear I've Not Found By Myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sumi/gifts).



> Written for x_disturbed_x/Summi who won a bid during a fandom auction.
> 
> I focused on your idea of moving on from trauma and played around with what that could have looked like in an AU LOU2 timeline. As you know I've not played LOU2 but I watched a few clips from the game to try and get an idea of the Ellie/Dina dynamic to include them and also where Joel & Ellie were at. I really hope you liked what I came up with.

The nightmares come and go like ocean waves in a storm. They pull her under and hold her down under their weight until her lungs are burning and she’s sure this is it, she’s going to die. Before suddenly, just like that, they relent and she breaks through the surface once more, air filling her lungs. Ellie gets so used to waking up to sweat slicked skin, shaking limbs and a voice raw from crying out, that she doesn't think to warn Dina. Ellie forgets to prepare either of them for the inevitable, which in hindsight is not like her at all. Joel, after all, has drilled into her the importance of preparing for every scenario and life has certainly shown her the truth in it.

Then again Joel may talk a good game but Ellie knows from first hand experience he was not always prepared. He hadn’t been prepared for her at all, nor for the twists and turns their lives had taken since meeting. Ellie knows with complete clarity that Joel definitely hadn't been prepared for her to learn the truth that day. Fuck knows Ellie hadn’t and now she doesn’t know what to do with the conflicting emotions raging inside her. 

Still, the truth remained that they were both creatures of adaptable survival and whilst there might not be blood between them, no DNA strand to connect the dots and hold them to each other, even Ellie would never deny that she was, no matter what, _his_. Which meant that she too often fell foul to a preparation mistake here and there. Which is why she didn’t think to slip out of Dina’s bed before sleep claimed her and with it the nightmares. 

The first time she wakes screaming, arms flapping as she fights off the ghost of an assailant long since dead, Dina doesn't ask any questions. She doesn't say anything in fact. Instead Dina strokes Elllie’s back and leaves soft kisses on her shoulders until Ellie's body stops shaking. There’s a second when Ellie finally comes back down to reality where she's mortified, cheeks burning hot. She curses at herself internally, rebates herself heavily for showing the soft underside of herself. Being vulnerable is not her strongest suit, it makes her skin itch, muscles twitching in anticipation of an attack Ellie expects from everyone.

When it’s clear that it’s never coming, Ellie expects an array of intruding questions to take its place. She waits for Dina to dig and scratch at her wounds, asking her to resurface things Ellie has been trying to bury for years. It never happens. Instead, when Ellie’s breathing returns to normal, Dina in silent understanding just pulls her back down, curls up beside her and they lay in silence until they both fall back off to sleep. Ellie’s pretty sure that’s the moment when she really falls in love with Dina.

The first time turns into the second, which turns into the third which turns into….Ellie loses count. She expects Dina to leave. Figures that she’s going to wake up and realise how clearly fucked up Ellie is and that she’s really not worth the lost sleep. Ellie braces herself for a heartache that by some miracle never comes. Dina, like always, surprises Ellie. Dina is patient, she never pushes it, just soothes and comforts, offering up her own stories as a sacrificial offering and waits for Ellie to be ready to share her own. 

It happens in dribs and drabs. A foundation of trust building between them one brick at a time. It reminds Ellie of how it had been with Joel all those years ago. An intertwining of trust and love. Things just become easier. Ellie unravels herself slowly, peeling back the layers one horrifying moment after the next. For every story Dina shares, Ellie offers one of her own. Sometimes Ellie offers them first, until there is only one part of her story left to tell, the biggest and most terrifying of all. In the end though it’s not as hard as she thought it would be, the truth slips out of her like air. _I’m immune._

It takes Dina a while to really believe her, the surprise and shock leading her to believe that Ellie is just goofing around. Eventually when it’s clear Ellie’s not messing around the questions understandably come. Ellie answers them the best she can, still reserving the last of her story for another time. When Ellie finally does share it. Tells Dina about the fireflies, Joel and the choice he made in Ellie’s place, Dina is quiet for a long time. She lays beside her head resting on Ellie’s shoulder, their legs entangled as she absentmindedly interlocks their fingers together. Ellie hadn’t known what to expect but when Dina after a long time of contemplation eventually speaks, she asks a few questions, _“this this why things are tense between you and Joel?”_ , and when she gets her answers her next words end up being in defense of Joel’s decision. Ellie is left kind of speechless as Dina rambles on until she’s not and the anger begins to burn. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!” Ellie practically yells, trying to pull away from her but Dina holds onto her hand tightly, forcing her to remain closer than she wants to right now.

“Look Ellie before you go off on me, just answer me one thing.” Dina says her eyes soft in love but hard in their determination. 

“What?” Ellie says disgruntled, leaning back against the wall. Dina, satisfied Ellie wasn't going anywhere, releases her hand in order to reposition herself so that her eyes are locking onto Ellie’s. 

“If it had been the other way around, if it had been Joel on that table about to die. What would you have done then?” 

“I would have given him the damn choice!” Ellie huffs and then swallows hard because the words taste bitter in her mouth. Would she have done that? Really? Just let him die on the chance that it might make a cure? Would she have let _her_ world go for the sake of _the_ world? The answer sits heavy in her chest. Deep down Ellie understands the dark route of desperation Joel took, she knows in her heart that if the roles had been reversed she’d have saved him too. She likes to think she wouldn’t or that she wouldn’t have gone to the extremes he had, then again…

_You keep finding something to fight for._ That’s what Joel had said and even in that moment she’d known he was hiding something, hadn’t she? Sensed there was more to the story than he was telling her. She’d let it go though. She'd believed the lie because she’d understood that what they were fighting for was each other. It was literally them against the world and fuck it, they would do anything to keep each other safe. 

Maybe Ellie wasn’t even mad at the lie, maybe she was just mad that the truth came out so she had to confront it and with it her own darkness. The depths her love would make her go. Then again she _was_ mad at Joel, she was...but she's also kind of not. Fuck it! It was complicated which was exactly why Ellie’s been avoiding thinking about it from any other viewpoint than that of her own self sacrificing, somewhat high horse point of view. 

Thinking about it like this was like swimming in the dark. It always causes her heart to spasm in ways that just weren’t natural, the hurt all the more prominent, the grey confusion of the act even more cloudy to her. Right and wrong entangled too closely for her to get a grip on anything. Ellie knows Dina senses it, she knows her too well not to. Dina shuffles closer and places her chin on her shoulder gently, kissing the bare skin, once, twice, three times. 

“I’m not saying it wasn't wrong that you didn’t get a say in it, both of them, the fireflies and Joel they took that from you and the lengths Joel went to,” Dina buries her face a little deeper into Ellie’s shoulder, sighing deeply before continuing. 

“It’s messed up and complicated but Ellie even I can’t say with any certainty that if I’d been there that I wouldn’t have done the same thing too. They were never going to let you go, which is why they didn’t even give you the option.

“It’s messed up and complicated but Ellie even I can’t say with any certainty that if I’d been there that I wouldn’t have done the same thing too. They were never going to let you go, which is why they didn’t even give you the option. Also I’m pretty sure if it had been Joel or me on that table you can’t say you’d have done differently either. He did it because he loves you Ellie and I don't know maybe you holding onto this is just making the pair of you suffer for nothing, and haven't you both suffered enough.” 

Ellie takes a deep breath, holds it for a few seconds as Dina’s words settle inside her, before releasing it with a long sigh. They sit there in silence for a long time. Ellie re-runs the years with Joel over and over in her mind. That first year and the lengths they’d gone to survive, not just for themselves but for each other too. The years after flash in her mind, the bond that held them so tightly together which was now stretched thin, the gaping hole that bleed constantly inside her from his absence. A self inflicted trauma.

Ellie thinks about Joel, how he has her back even now when she’s still barely talking to him. The pictures he keeps by his bed. She thinks about the sadness in his eyes and slump of his shoulders. How the fight seems to have drained from him a little. The long glances he gives her when he thinks she’s not aware, forgetting that when it comes to him, she’s always aware. Ellie was honest that night on the porch and has been trying to move past it, to forgive. She'd thought she had to forgive him for taking away her chance to matter in the world. 

_You do matter._ A tiny voice inside her says and she thinks that maybe that was the bulk of the problem. Ellie still didn’t believe it. She didn’t think she deserved life. Truth be told she hadn’t for years. Maybe it was her self-deprecating opinions that were clouding her judgment. The survivors guilt weighing heavy on her shoulders and making the forgiveness harder. Elllie wonders now if it's more about forgiving Joel for loving her too much to let her go, forgiving him for thinking she was worth more than she herself believed and if so...

_Haven't you both suffered enough._

With another long sigh Ellie kisses Dina’s forehead whispering into her hair that she’ll be back later. Dina nods in silent understanding and pulls her close for a quick embrace before letting her go.

~~~

It doesn't surprise Ellie that when she gets to Joel’s he’s sitting outside, guitar in hand strumming the chords of a Wayfaring Stranger. It does surprise her that he’s singing the lyrics quietly. It stops her in her tracks and she hangs back, hiding in the shadows letting Joel’s husky voice, deep and filled with a lifetime's worth of grief and darkness, wash over her like a secret lullaby. Her eyes begin to sting, tears pricking in the corner of her eyes as the sound of his voice and the lyrics he sings sink into her skin, a tonic for a soul battered and bruised. 

Ellie waits until the song is done and the last notes are floating into the night air before she slips out of the shadows and into the hazy yellow porch light. Joel spots her immediately, doesn't even look surprised, as if he’d already sensed her even when he couldn't’ see her. Which really wouldn’t surprise Ellie. He rolls his shoulders and tilts his head towards the empty seat besides him, in a silent offering, not looking at her, instead keeping his gaze fixed on the stars above them. Ellie shuffles forward, kicking at the ground and dragging her feet behind her as she walks closer, eyes darting everywhere but his face. She sits down and taps on the wooden arm rests. 

“You ok?” Joel asks, placing the guitar down. 

“I told Dina.” Ellie says, sneaking a glance at Joel, who doesn't flinch, just takes a deep breath, which sounds almost resigned, like he’s been preparing for this for a while. 

“How’d she take it?” He asks, picking up his mug and taking a sip. Ellie’s pretty sure this time it’s not coffee he’s drinking, especially since he was singing earlier. Ellie shrugs and automatically reaches out a hand for the mug, Joel looks down at her open palm and hesitates a second before handing it over. Ellie takes a swing and the liquid burns on the way down, warming her stomach and yeah Ellie was right...not coffee. 

“She gets it.” Ellie says peeking out of the corner of her eye to gauge his reaction. Joel sighs and nods, eyes downcast and it takes Ellie a moment to realise why he looks so forlorn. He thinks Dina has condemned him, as Ellie had. Ellie thinks back to her earlier conversation with Dina and releases for the first time how all this time she hasn’t really been _seeing_ Joel. For the first time, she notices, really notices, the lines of worry that have appeared around his eyes, the deep bags under them. The heartache that was written so clearly in every breath he took. 

_Haven't you both suffered enough._

“I meant she gets _you_. Why you did what you did. She brought up some interesting points actually and I...” Ellie clarifies softly, voice trailing off as she takes another sip of the drink before handing back the mug, her eyes darting everywhere in an awkward fashion. 

Joel takes the mug on instinct alone, his mind clearly mulling over Ellie’s words, their meaning and the left open sentence. He raises his gaze and looks at her tentatively, his expression one of apprehensive hope and Ellie feels her throat tighten, emotion restricting her airway. 

“And you?” Joel prompts gently, being careful, oh so careful not to push too hard. Ellie takes a deep breath and waits. Waits for the anger to come, the stubborn rage and pain that tells her she wasn’t supposed to be here. Whilst it’s not entirely gone, there’s still a dull throb in the pit of her stomach and an ache in her heart, something else is taking its place. Something cool and gentle that releases the tension inside her and has her longing for a change. Acceptance, Ellie thinks. 

_Haven't you both suffered enough._

“You’re an arsehole!” Ellie says abruptly and forcefully. Joel finches a little at the sudden outburst but says nothing, just taking it, like he has for months now. 

“You’re an arsehole.” Ellie says again, softer this time and Joel presses his mouth together in a tight expression. 

“You’re an aresehole but,” Ellie says again pausing to swallow as her voice cracks. 

“But I love you.” she finishes on a whisper, glancing tentatively at Joel from her corner of her eye. Ellie hears Joel release a sigh and it sounds like the release of the breath Joel has been holding for years. Like the sound of a dying man coming back to life. Ellie swipes at her eyes and the tears that are threatening to fall. 

“I love you too kid.” Joel says, voice thick with emotion as he reaches over and places a hand on her shoulder. It’s the first bit of physical contact they’ve had since that fateful day and Ellie feels herself crumble. All her defenses falling into dust. She wants to sob, to collapse into his embrace and just let it all out, but Ellie’s still not sure if she starts if she’ll ever be able to stop so instead she shrugs off his hand before immediately reaching for it again and holding onto his shirt sleeve for a second. Fingers tips curling into the checkered material tightly. 

“Sing me Future Days.” Ellie says, demanding and desperate as she flounders in the tidal waves of emotion washing over her. Joel cracks a small half smile, his own eyes wet with the tears that haven’t fallen and nods, clearing his throat as she lets go of his arms and he reaches for the guitar. Ellie leans forward arms on her knees, head in one hand as she watches Joel play. 

Ellie knows there’s still so much to unpack and rebuild between them but for tonight, this, right here, the sound of the guitar and Joel's heartfelt voice as he begins to sing is enough. 

_“And I believe 'cause I can see our future days, days of you and me.”_


End file.
